Newt Gingrich Judges You

“Well, now you’ve done it, you vindictive little...

Wed, 02 May 2012 15:18:00 -0400

“Well, now you’ve done it, you vindictive little nincompoops.”

“I was perfectly happy to bring you the big ideas and the jawdropping slap-happy upside-the-head truth about the world and the heavens and all that in them is. I could’ve kept on bringing some rock’em sock’em truth to you. But you had to get all persnickety about united party this and campaign debt that and taxpayer Secret Service what-fors. As if I needed protection when my very name is a killing word. Hello? I have CHUCK NORRIS.”

“Would it have been so bad to spend the summer on the road with Uncle Newt? North Carolina, Texas, swinging through California. Wine country! So many summer fairs. We could’ve eaten frosted dough until we puked! My moose pal Lenny Kravitz was all hyped up for the brokered convention. It would’ve been great.”

“Instead the establishment gets together and decides no, no more Sheldon cash, no more museum tours, no more diners. They want to shut us down because that Reed Richards, he’s a soft-hearted soul, he can’t stand a little tweaking. That ad-snorting robot. So much for history and unprecedented and maybe even a debate from the floor of the convention oh my gosh can you imagine it? Imagine the Buzzfeed gif-dump of that for two seconds, but not three, because that will blow your mind.”

“Frankly: nuts to you all. You may strike me down, but just like always, I’ll come back more powerful than you can ever imagine. Newt, Inc. will rise again like the phoenix from the ashes, and not like Famke Janssen, that raven-haired strumpet, but like the original gosh-danged flaming behemoth of the mother-loving sky. A storm’s a-comin, and in the thunder is the sound of GINGRICH.”

“Still… I would’ve taken you to so many zoos.”

“Screwball!”

Wed, 02 May 2012 09:55:03 -0400

“Screwball!”

“The tux? It’s after six o’clock. What am I, a...

Tue, 01 May 2012 18:18:31 -0400

“The tux? It’s after six o’clock. What am I, a farmer?”

“Yeah, Mitt. You’re pretty great I guess.”

Tue, 01 May 2012 11:03:00 -0400

“Yeah, Mitt. You’re pretty great I guess.”

“Your first four ‘how to lose an election ten...

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 09:02:02 -0400

“Your first four ‘how to lose an election ten ways’ jokes weren’t funny, Don - I don’t know why you think the fifth one would be.”

“You bred RAPTORS?”

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 10:36:06 -0400

“You bred RAPTORS?”

“Unlike the liberal media, these feces chuckers are okay...

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 09:55:04 -0400

“Unlike the liberal media, these feces chuckers are okay by me.”

“I’ve spent far too much of my life surrounded by...

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 10:03:26 -0400

“I’ve spent far too much of my life surrounded by douchecanoes.”

“Is this the end of history? Yes, frankly, I think it...

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 11:31:33 -0400

“Is this the end of history? Yes, frankly, I think it is.”

“Frankly, this is a stupid joke. I would’ve gone in...

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 08:31:00 -0400

“Frankly, this is a stupid joke. I would’ve gone in a fundamentally different direction. I would’ve gone with something funny.”

“Tom Friedman, I promise that as president I will fix the...

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 20:27:40 -0400

“Tom Friedman, I promise that as president I will fix the Union Station turnaround for you. By burying you under the frickin asphalt.”

“I remain the last candidate with big ideas, such as not...

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 23:23:57 -0400

“I remain the last candidate with big ideas, such as not doing weird crap with dogs.”

“Aww, I could just eat you up! Not in an Obama way, mind...

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 23:03:47 -0400

“Aww, I could just eat you up! Not in an Obama way, mind you. Awww, but look at your wittle bow…”

“You can totally ride on the bus. What? No, it’s...

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 22:18:52 -0400

“You can totally ride on the bus. What? No, it’s people I hate. I don’t judge warm and fuzzies.”

“PORKULUS!”

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 17:13:56 -0400

“PORKULUS!”

Photo

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 13:15:11 -0400

“Bet you think you’re pretty quick with that beak,...

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 00:24:00 -0400

“Bet you think you’re pretty quick with that beak, Mrs. Cobblepot. Well, lookie what I found. Oh, no, I’m afraid Oswald here won’t be dancing with you anytime soon. I’m feeding these happy feet to my ocelot.”

“We’re burning diesel, we’re burning dinosaur...

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 22:17:43 -0400

“We’re burning diesel, we’re burning dinosaur bones.”

“This will make a helluva code name.”

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 22:16:26 -0400

“This will make a helluva code name.”

“You may think Newt Gingrich is just a thinker. But...

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 18:10:57 -0400

“You may think Newt Gingrich is just a thinker. But I’m not just a thinker. I’m a doer. Every day I go out there, and rev that engine, fire it up, grab a hold of that line between speed and chaos, and wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra. And when the fear rises up in my belly, I use it. Fear is powerful, because it’s been there for billions of years. And it is good. And I use it. And I ride it; I ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell.”