“Newt Big Idea #53,791: Ban all popcorn ceilings everywhere. They are a blight on the human spirit.”
“In Joe Biden’s defense, his brain has a big enough challenge reminding him to breathe.”
“April Fools! I’m back baby, and better than ever.”
“Adding to my Lil’ Tea Partiers collection.”
“I am proud to announce my endorsement of Reed Richards here for President. It’s time to stop the bleeding and unite around whatever it is he says he believes today.”
“National Cleavage Day? God I love America.”
“I call my left Painbringer, and my right Liam Neeson.”
“I’m not doubting you, darling, I just am unclear on the 157 other uses of hairspray.”
“Sour Patch Kids are fundamentally overrated as a candy.”
“Just eat the dang stick.”